Maybe the day had a shitty you.

Hello, my name is Jessie, and I’m a recovering pessimist. For several years, I was off and on in counseling. While external circumstances got me there, I ultimately learned that the type of way I feel, is most certainly up to me. I started off not really sure why I was there, other than constant panic attacks and anxiety were happening and I couldn’t figure out why. While I won’t go down that road now, I will say that as I learned more about WHY I was having the attacks and such, another feeling began to take over. I was PISSED. Pissed at this person for influencing me the way they had. Pissed at that person for taking advantage of me. Pissed at “them” for not understanding. Pissed at “him” for being apathetic. Pissed at “her” for expecting so much. I’m speaking generally here, of course, but all I knew was I went from anxiety ridden to mad.

I could easily blame this on my age, and recent entry into perimenpause, and for quite a while I did, and still do from time to time, truth be told. 😂 The blame game, is what I started playing. And that’s when the bitter root set it. Then the resentment. I would wake up already mad at whatever BS the day had to bring before it even happened. Several years I went on like this. I never really went into detail about my feelings to anyone, because I didn’t want to sound like a big ole BRAT! I have a good life. Great, in fact! Why was I so irritated all the time? I had convinced myself that no one really cared about how I felt, and my words don’t matter. So, I might as well just shut the hell up about what I FEEL.

The years came and went. I got into a cyclical pattern of thinking. More recently than I care to admit, I woke up one morning, grabbed my coffee, that my husband so thoughtfully makes for me every day, and headed to our porch to watch the sunrise. It’s a little quite time to myself before the day is off and running. I leaned onto the railing. Audibly, I said to God, “I’m so tired of being angry, Lord. I’m just tired. I don’t wanna be angry anymore.” I had been in so many horrid situations that He had carried me through, and now, I’d gotten myself into some kind of way of thinking that everyone was out to get me. Especially those closest to me. How did I get here? Were the days really this shitty? Or was I giving the days a shitty me?

All this negative thinking I had been doing was addictive. Like cocaine or sugar. I almost needed it. Fed off of it. Couldn’t break myself away from it. Determined to prove my point to myself about things that hadn’t even happened yet. It was wearing me down. Making me physically tired. Sluggish. I was starting to feel like I was carrying heavy chains around 24/7. I didn’t want to be tired anymore! I wanted to be joyful! And light! And free. Free of my self-made burdens. Free of the prison of my thoughts.

So, now, I’m being intentional about waking up with new thoughts each day. I still grab my hubby made coffee (he makes it better than me now), go to the porch, and watch the sun rise. But instead of preparing for the worst, I say THIS over and over and over…. “This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.” While this is straight out of Psalms, it’s most familiar to me from my childhood. In vacation bible school, Sunday school, and children’s church we were taught this verse with a catchy little tune. 🎶All these years later, into my adult hood it comforts me. Funny how we circle back like that. I went through all that madness, only to come back to that childlike faith. No worries or inhibitions. Not a care in the world, cause daddy and momma will take care of it all. And will my Father in Heaven not take care of me that much more? Has He not, thus far?!

That’s where I’m at right now in life. Realizing the days aren’t as shitty as I make them out to be. Most times it’s the day just having a shitty me. And isn’t that half the battle? Realizing that sometimes me, myself, and I are the biggest part of the problem? Don’t get me wrong, sometimes people are crappy, and there’s simply nothing you can do about it. And sometimes even when I do express how I feel, it doesn’t mean I’m being heard. However, my response to those crappy things and the dismissal of my feelings is well within my control, and I need to own it. The Lord hears and sees me. And that is enough.

Sometimes we have shitty days, but other times the days have a shitty So, here’s to my born-again optimism! This time around, I will do my due diligence to see the days that Lord has made, rejoice! And be glad in it! Hi, I’m Jessie, and I’m a recovering pessimist.