I have traveled through madness to find me.

Standing on the balcony, I looked down over the edge and thought, “Just jump. Just do it and get it over with.” I pushed myself away from the ledge, sucked in a big breath of air through my nose and sat down on the patio chair. What the hell is wrong with me?! My life isn’t terrible. There are so many ways things could be worse. Quit feeling sorry for yourself and suck it up. An image of my son immediately emerged in my head, and I felt pangs of guilt in my stomach for allowing myself to think of abandoning him like that.

The events that led to that moment had been a gradual descent into mental confusion and anxiety. I needed help to retrain my brain to what it used to be. I had forgotten how to be happy and live in the present. Nearing just the cusp of 40 years old, I had noticed a shift in my body. Things were changing. These huge waves of emotions and moods and hot flashes seemed to come out of nowhere. They were borderline uncontrollable sometimes. I’d wake up drenched in sweat, my sheets soaked through to the mattress. I’d have moments of rage where I couldn’t see anything but red and wanted to throw furniture at the wall for the slightest inconvenience. I’d sob and sob and sob and really never know why. Headaches would cripple me to the point where all I could do was climb in bed and wait for them to pass. I had dizzy spells at random times in the grocery store or at work. So, what did I do? What any normal human being does of course. I googled my symptoms.

I began to uncover eye opening information about women my age and the changes we go through. The hormone shifts that can wreak havoc on our bodies and minds. I went to my OBGYN (a man who won’t be named) who offered me Prozac, as a way to curb my ailments. I was astounded! I replied in shock, “Listen, DOC, I’m not crazy! I’m going through perimenopause!” He was less than sympathetic. I knew all I could do was take matters into my own hands. I began to research natural remedies and diet and exercise regimines that were benefical in combating this life change. The results were astonishing. I became a part of forums and email lists. I followed influencers dedicated to helping women in perimenopause and post menopause. I asked women I knew who had gone before me how they dealt with it. I opened up to my friends and loved ones and started asking hard questions. And will you believe this??? I found out I wasn’t alone. I found out lots of women suffer in silence, being made to believe that they should just suck it up, and keep going, and power through, and that they are crazy! It broke my heart. My ancestors must have agonized alone not being privy to the information we now have so readily at our fingertips.

My research further indicated that in our youth-idolizing Western culture, menopause can seem like an ending. However, in many cultures, menopause is a time of new respect and freedom for women. A study reported that Mayan women, although experiencing some uncomfortable symptoms, looked forward to menopause, as it provided newfound freedom and status. In Japan, menopause is viewed as a time of rebirth. I began to see that embracing my aging was going to be half the battle in fighting what our culture sees as a decline. I began finding supplements that eased my physical pains and sought counseling to ease my mental ones. I started lifting HEAVY weights to increase my bone density and muscle mass. And I started eating protein. Lots and lots of protein. I talked more and more openly to my significant other, now husband, about what was happening with me. Not to seek pity, but to help him understand the metamorphosis my body was undergoing.

Present day, I continue to travel through these moods and am still learning to navigate these waters. Things are much better now that I have clearer understanding that I am not alone, and many of my symptoms are well within my control. Do I still get sad? Sure. Do I still feel like I want to take a baseball bat to my car sometimes? Yes. But at least now I understand why. And I know it will pass. I feel more and more secure voicing my needs rather than feeling like I should just suck it up and make myself small. I’m still traveling through the madness, but I’ve been told there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there, sisters. Trust the process. We are all becoming, and we’re absolutely beautiful.